When I think of sport, I think of football, Rugby, athletics, swimming, that kind of thing. You know, shit where people actually have to make some kind of physical effort to pursue glory and stuff like that. Bizarrely, there are some people out there who claim that their little hobbies and pastimes should be classed as sports and many of them have got their way - model flyers, darts players and target shooters can now claim to be sportsmen and keep a straight face, despite needing no more than hand/eye co-ordination and some sturdy wrists.
This is why I have decided to lobby the British Sports council and have MY own hobby recognised as a field of athleticism in it's own right and I am now pleased to announce the creation of the International Wanking Federation and the kind of events that we hope to have running at the next Olympics:
THE SPRINT
In deference to traditional communal clown-punching sessions (i.e. those found in boarding schools), four players kneel around a HobNob and have a quick shuffle. The first to chuck his muck goes through to the next round while the last has to eat the milky biscuit.
ENDURANCE
In a reversal to The Sprint, the object of this event is to be the last man to spit hot manfat after a serious bout of flogging the Horrace. If there is no clear winner after 15 minutes, we move on to extra time where contestants are subjected to the latest Holly Valance video and projected images from Page 3. We have yet to figure out how, exactly, a penalty shoot-out would work.
THE MARATHON
Players must attempt to engage in 26 wanks in the fastest time possible.
MIXED DOUBLES
A lengthy mutual masturbation session where each male/female pair is marked on technique and stamina. In order to encourage novices to the sport, extra marks are awarded for those making the most realistic noises of ecstasy despite their partner's obviously ham-fisted style, while points are deducted should one partner simply get bored and decide to shag instead.
LE MANS
Players must attempt to perform as many wanks as possible in a 24 hour session. Likely to be sponsored by Vaseline, although Oil Of Ulay have expressed an interest.
TARGET SHOOTING
The male contestant has to try and blow his load into his partner's face without getting it into her eye, with the ultimate aim being to get it dripping off of her chin like a messily eaten ice-cream.
SYNCHRONISED WANKING
A woman-only event, this consists of six bath tubs being laid out in a star-shape while each team member performs a carefully choreographed display of nipple-tweaking, breast-rubbing, pubic hair-stroking etc etc. We are currently in talks with various TV networks to get this event onto a Pay Per View channel.
THE TRI-ATHELON
Players must indulge in a 15 pint session. After this, they are handed a copy of Club International and must perform the following three tasks: (1) To achieve erection, (2) To successfully bash the bishop to completion, (3) To not fall asleep with their pants around their ankles as soon as they've chucked their yoghurt. Olympic standard players in this field have to also drink whisky chasers with every pint, and may only "use" the Reader's Wives section of Fiesta.
