Is your relationship on the skids? Is everything fine, or do you have a nagging feeling that somehow it's all going to go belly up again. Are you Mister Right, or are you just Mister Right Now. Why not take the FASHIONABLE MALE sex quiz to find out if you two have a future or if you should start stocking up on porn now, ready for the inevitable day when your girlfriend kicks you to the kerb and you once again become an unproud citizen of Dumpedville?
1. You are on the phone to your girlfriend and the conversation inevitably turns to...
a) ... your plans for the future together.
b) ... what she'd like to do to once you're home and naked.
c) ... how much of a bad boy you've been.
d) ... how she saw her ex, Jason, at the local supermarket, and had she told you about the time when they...
2. In order to get her in the mood to make love, it just takes...
a) ... a romantic evening in, possibly discussing wedding plans.
b) ... that sexy "come to bed" look you have.
c) ... pleading, begging, and the occasional promise of payment.
d) ... a bottle and a half of wine, and the knowledge that she hasn't done any other good deeds that day.
3. She likes to make love with...
a) ... you.
b) ... massage oil, feathers and her best friend watching.
c) ... whips, chains and the possibility of candlewax being dripped onto nipples.
d) ... the lights off.
4. In bed she is most likely to say...
a) ... "I love you."
b) ... all kinds of dirty talk, panted into your ear with a sexy, husky voice.
c) ... "Beg for mercy, worm!"
d) ... someone elses name.
5. Her favourite position is...
a) ... you on top.
b) ... her on top, then you on top, then doggy style, then...
c) ... you in a cage, gagged and bound.
d) ... her on top, you miles away in a different house completely unaware.
6. In bed she likes to wear...
a) ... nothing, she likes the feeling of skin-on-skin friction.
b) ...sexy underwear, especially the kind thats tied together with ribbon so you can undress her with your teeth.
c) ... anything made of leather, latex or PVC as long as she has a variety of riding crops, canes, handcuffs and whips at her disposal.
d) ... fresh love bites that you can't remember giving her.
7. You HAVEN'T made love in...
a) ... public.
b) ... the arse. Yet.
c) ... a comfortable position.
d) ... a number of weeks. Or is it months?
8. You HAVE made love in...
a) ... every room in the house.
b) ... every room in the house, plus every room in both of your parents' houses, plus every room in her best mate's house.
c) ... a number of uncomfortable positions.
d) ... your imagination.
9. When the two of you are alone, she likes to call you...
a) ... Boo Boo Kittykins
b) ... Sexy Pants.
c) ... Slave Boy.
d) ... Jason. I mean Steve. Erm... is it Sean...? Paul?
10. For your next birthday, she plans on giving you...
a) ... something that she knows you'll like.
b) ... a blowjob, broadcast live on a webcam for the whole world to see.
c) ... a spanking so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week.
d) ... the time of day or an eviction notice... she hasn't decided which yet.
11. The most worrying, and most likely, thing she could ever say to you is...
a) ... "Do you like rabbit stew?"
b) ... "I might be pregnant and it might be yours."
c) ... "Your last cheque bounced, so the negatives are on their way to the News of the World."
d) ... "Actually, I'm only going out with you as an elaborate hoax for Trigger Happy TV."
12. If you have to go away without her for a couple of days, she...
a) ... bombards you with text messages and phonecalls, then accuses you of having an affair if you can't respond or answer within 10 nanoseconds.
b) ... insists you take your laptop so you can at least cyber while you're away.
c) ... books someone else into your usual slot instead.
d) ... couldn't give a flying fuck.
13. She comes...
a) ... at roughly the same time as you, because you two are just so perfect for each other.
b) ... 5 minutes before you, just before you and once again just after you. You fucking stud you.
c) ... at £250 per hour, or £400 for 2.
d) ... at a different address to you.
14. The drink that best describes your love life is...
a) ... a Sloe Comfortable Screw.
b) ... Sex On The Beach.
c) ... Harvey Wallbanger.
d) ... bitter.
15. If asked, she would say that she is with you because...
a) ... you two were meant to be together, it's like destiny or something. In fact, when you die, she plans on topping herself so you can be buried together and not even spend a day apart for the rest of eternity. Actually, you two have a suicide pact, although you don't know about it yet.
b) ...you're like a popular brand of batteries -- EverReady.
c) ... it's a regular source of income.
d) ... she's not sure if the guy she really likes fancies her yet, so you'll do for the meantime.
HOW DID YOU DO?
Mainly As: it's true love so you're safe for now. She'll probably turn into a bunny boiler if you dump her though, so be careful.
Mainly Bs: you're only problem isn't keeping her, it's keeping up with her. If you've managed to do this whole quiz without her dragging you up to bed yet, count yourself lucky to get a five minute break. Go get yourself some Lucazade, take her to bed and thank God for making you as fortunate as you are.
Mainly Cs: you'll be fine as long as you remain subservient and/or keep paying her.
Mainly Ds: did you really need a quiz to tell you that it's all fucked up?
