You may have noticed that a lot of column space in womens magazines are dedicated to showing their readers the best ways to please their men in, and out, of bed. Now, while I applaud the sentiment, I feel that this should be addressed I mean, where are the articles in Max Power, Razzle etc.?
And so here is the Fashionable Male guide to pleasing the laydeez a step-by-step instruction manual, except without the handy diagrams.
BEFORE
Cook your special lady a home cooked meal, or (if your cooking abilities are so poor that you can actually burn water) get a take-out from one of the upmarket restaurants in your area. No, this doesn't mean getting a 12 inch Hawaiian from Dominos instead of Joe's Pizza 2 Go.
Create an ambient mood with candlelight and music playing quietly in the background. Don't break out the Barry White collection as this will make the seduction far to obvious, but on the other hand dont try and be too subtle by putting on Megadeth on. Something bland and inoffensive (i.e skull-numbingly dull) like David Grey or Coldplay should do the trick. However if, like me, you'd rather chew off your own thumbs than listen to Chris Martin whine on about how they were all fucking yellow, feel free to turn the radio onto your local classical station. She'll think youre right proper classy like.
Wine. Make she gets plenty, and often. But make sure that she doesn't drink so much that she passes out or projectile vomits Chardonnay in all directions like in The Exorcist or something. Firstly because she'll be too embarrassed to see you again, but mostly cos you'll probably be the one who has to clean it up.
After the meal, curl up on the sofa together. Kiss her gently all over the face, along her jawline, and as much of her neck as you can reach. Resist the urge to pull the pockets of your trousers inside out to show her your elephant.
If you're feeling adventurous, why not softly whisper in her ear everything you'd like to do to her? Playful dirty talk can be a real turn on for both partners, but remember to draw a line somewhere. Stop yourself before you get to "I'd like to tie you up and make you watch me shag your sister," "I'd like to spank your ass and call you Bubba," or "I'd like to chop you into pieces and leave you in several binbags." As everyone knows, these only work if you're on the Jerry Springer show, in prison or live in Camden respectively.
DURING
Getting undressed in front of someone else, especially if it is for the first time, can be a nerve-wracking experience. However, undressing each other in a slow, teasing manner can be amazingly erotic and can help to further stoke the fires of passion. It isn't the end of the world if you get a little worked up and lose a few buttons in the process, but reaching for the carving knife to cut her clothes off sends out completely wrong signals and won't really help to put her at ease. Also, whatever you do, don't stand there pointing and giggling that you can "see her rudies."
Don't forget that foreplay is NOT a euphemism for golf. A slow, languid massage allows you to explore her body and prolong the skin-on-skin contact, making her more relaxed and gradually more aroused. A massage can also be augmented by introducing unexpected elements: a blindfold will make her focus on the sensations you are giving her, while a few drops of whipped cream licked from the skin can be a turn on for both of you. However, it might be a good idea not to introduce anything TOO unexpected, especially if it is your first time together. This means forget about dripping candlewax onto her until about the fifth date.
If this isn't your first time together, why not incorporate some light S&M? Lightly tying your partner to the bed with silk scarves may be pleasurable to both of you, giving one partner the chance to play at being dominant and the other at being helpless before switching roles. However, if this sort of thing is appealing to you, make sure you broach the subject carefully, introduce this element into your sex life slowly, and go no further than your partner is comfortable with. DONT simply walk into the bedroom wearing a full Gimp outfit and order her to go down to the dungeon yo'uve been secretly constructing in the basement.
Take your time. This isn't a race and even if it was, this is one time when you'd be better off coming second well, it is if you wanted a rematch. Try to think of sports statistics to delay the inevitable moment, or mentally picture a particularly dull football match if it helps... just remember not to yell "GOAL!!!" when you hit the icky-gooey moment.
AFTER
Spend a while cuddling her, stroking her hair and letting her know just how much she means to you. This will reassure her that you are interested in more than the physical side of the relationship, and that you are the kind of mature man she should have in her life. This will allow you to maintain the intimacy for a long while after you've chucked your muck.
In the interests of fair play, here is the girls' ultimate guide on how to make your fella happy:
BEFORE
Let him watch football. Fetch him beer. Give him a blowjob during the half-time match analysis.
DURING
Wear a schoolgirl or nurses uniform. Get on top and thrash around like a rodeo rider. Fake an orgasm if necessary, or at least moan appreciatively. If you can't be bothered to that, sigh... although if the sex is really that bad, you'll probably be sighing anyway.
AFTER
Don't bother trying to keep him awake with questions like what are you thinking? as the only response youll get will be a Neanderthalic grunt and/or snoring.
(Editors note: my fiance didn't find this article all that funny as she thought it was a serious attempt at journalism... guess this means that us guys are just as shallow as we seem to be...)
