I have a confession to make. Not only do I read the personal columns in local papers to give myself a chuckle, and amuse myself by hanging around in chat rooms waiting for someone to annoy everyone else, I also like to read the problem pages in national papers.
It usually goes like this: Person A has a problem. Agony Aunt B has a premium rate phone number to promote. So, when A writes in and mentions that they're thinking of killing themselves because of something that it is ruining their life, B manages to sum it up in two paragraphs before telling them to ring an 0898 number. I don't know what's worse -- the idea that your life-ruining problem can be so easily remedied (which means that you must be a pathetic little crybaby to be complaining about it to start with), or the idea that you're that desperate for help that you bare your soul in the national press, only to find that your last hope can't be bothered to write more than 100 words in reply.
So, as a service to my readers (both of you), I've decided to create this semi-regular agony column. This basically involves me taking the problem page from a well-know national tabloid, vaguelly describing the problem, then dispensing my own world weary advice. Don't worry, as I don't give a fuck about any of these people NONE of the replies will be longer than 100 words unless I can think of something really funny to say. And don't say "that would make a nice change."
THIS WEEK'S PROBLEMS:
1/ My dad died and my mum couldn't stand being on her own in the house, so I moved back in. My mate started coming around, started shagging my mum, then moved in. It really upset me that I could hear them playing "hide the sausage" all night. My fiance dumped me, so I started drinking and lost my job. Please help.
UNCLE BEN SAYS: Oh boo hoo. Boo hoo fucking hoo. When your mate moved in, why didn't you move back out? Your mum was no longer on her own, and you wouldn't have been able to hear them so what are you? Some kind of fucking idiot? Your fiance probably dumped you because you spent so much time whining about everything when you should have been giving her a good seeing to and staying at her place. Oh, and don't blame drink on you losing your job -- either your boss didn't like you and was looking for an excuse, or you were a pussy who couldn't handle his booze. My advice is to drink MORE until you can't remember a thing, that ususally cheers me up.
2/ I'm 29, my girlfriend is 19. I want a baby, she doesn't. Please help.
UNCLE BEN SAYS: Don't worry, it's probably not that she's against the idea of babies, just the idea of having any with you. If you really want to be a dad, why not join a sperm bank -- they give you free porn to read AND pay you for throwing one over the thumb. At least that way you'll never have to change a shitty diaper, and you can tell your mates down the pub that a nurse gave you a hand.
3/ My orgasms are so strong that I almost faint when I have them. My girlfriend's really worried.
UNCLE BEN SAYS: Don't worry, it's a normal reaction. Most of us blokes have the decency to roll over before we do it, though, so you might like to consider trying to do that in future.
4/ A girl took down my jeans and pants as we were kissing and laughed at me -- saying I was too small. She's got a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a slut, so I was expecting to have sex until she started laughing. I'm about 5 inches long: is this normal?
UNCLE BEN SAYS: If she's that much of a slut, she was probably only laughing 'cos she knew you wouldn't even touch the sides. Mind you, 5 inches is pretty small so maybe she just wondered what you were doing keeping a cashew nut in your pants.
5/ My best mate asked me to be his best man at his wedding but I said no because I'm too shy to make the speech. Now he's asked a workmate and I'm gutted. How can I overcome my shyness?
UNCLE BEN SAYS: Drink heavily.
