There is a guy on MTV at the moment who has managed to get a job presenting a show on what is possibly one of the most influential youth channels in the country despite the fact that he suffers from an appalling handicap -- he has a really shit haircut. Now, it's not enough that this guy has grown up to be an annoying twat and still land himself a job where he jets around the continent, meets celebrities, gets invited to fancy parties -- after all, we already have a Prime Minister who does all that. It's also not enough that he's so embarrassingly useless (but still enthusiastic to the point where you have to wonder if he suffers from some kind of retardation) and yet probably still cops hold of good looking women morning, noon and night -- after all, we already have Dean Gaffney doing that job. No, the worst thing is that he does all this despite the fact that he has a Mullet.
"What is a Mullet?" I hear you ask. Well, in answer to that I would have to say that you're a moron. A Mullet, for those of you who don't know, is basically when you go into the barbers and ask for "a short back and sides, but leave the back please, cheers." It is also the worst thing to come out of the USA's trailer parks since wife-beating and incest.
Examples of the Mullet are numerous and tragic. Think Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse." Think Billy Ray fucking Cyrus. Think Chris Waddle on Top of the Pops singing "Diamond Lights." Think every knuckle dragging motherfucker they drag from a doublewide in "Cops." Basically think of people with not as much talent or intellect as they think they have, looking smug and just begging for a good slap.
Now, I have a vested interest here. A few years ago -- 8, to be precise -- I had a Mullet myself. Not by choice, I hasten to add. Still strangled by the apron strings my mum had tied around my throat, I was forced to barter -- I would be allowed to go watch a gig in London if I had a haircut. Then she smiled sweetly, and added that I needn't have it all done, just the front to tidy it up. Realising that this was kinda like how James Hetfield of Metallica had his hair, I agreed because I thought that I would still retain my metal cred. This was a mistake -- instead of looking like the King of Metal, I found myself looking more like a former member of a mid 80's German soft rock band. The moment it was done, and I looked in the mirror for the first time, I realised that I looked like a grade A dick. I also realised that I could either chop the rest off and hope to salvage it, or grow it out and live with the fact that I had only two chances of getting laid for the next year: jack, and shit. I chose to grow it out, and Jack left town.
That's the problem. Yes, Hetfield, Swayze and Cyrus can all get away with it whereas mere mortals like you and I can not. The reason for this is because they are RICH AND FAMOUS (once again, look at the Dean Gaffney example) and therefore above the law as dictated by the fashion police. Maybe that's why that dick on MTV has one -- young boys will see his popularity, make the conection with his haircut and soon thousands of adolescents will be strutting around with hairdon'ts of their own. No girl will want to shag them, and so teenage pregancies will be on the decline. Which just goes to show that the Mullet is not just the most evil haircut since the guillotine was invented, but a major government conspiracy....
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully.
