James Brown once sang that this is a man's world. He was, of course, a lying bastard. You see, if it really was a man's world then:


* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Cheers for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

* Instead of a "beer-belly" you'd get "beer-biceps".

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

* Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the televised football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be boss of the company.

* "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

* Lifeguards could remove females from beaches for violating the "Public Ugliness" law.

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

* "Fancy a shag?" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

* Everyone would drive at least 80mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

* Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and 2000 per-night brasses for the duration of those breaks.

* Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!!"

* Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

* Everyone would own a real Light Sabre. Any disagreements would be settled with a fight to the death. (or the loss of a hand)

* Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

* When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.