TO MANAGEMENT
Working for a FTSE listed company, I have obseverved and learned the necessary skills to be a top-flight manager thanks to my own boss and his helpful guidence over the last couple of years. With City bosses currently predicting a drought in suitable candidates for top-level jobs, I feel that it is in the interest of the country's economy to share with you the ways you can be the kind of manager your employers deserve.
1/ Hold meetings as often as possible.
Meetings are great -- if you feel lonely at the top, these are a fantastic method of surrounding yourself with people. If you have the imagination, why not pretend that you are in a pub and that these people are really your friends? Of course, daydreaming will mean that you won't be paying any attention to whatever anyone says, but since no-one else there is paying attention either, it doesn't really matter... besides, you can learn all you need to know when your secretary types up the minutes in time for the next meeting!
2/ Steal other people's ideas.
This is another reason why meeting's are great. If someone comes up with a fantastic idea, simply dismiss it as being unworkable. This helps humiliate your staff -- putting them in their rightful place -- and reminds everyone that YOU ARE THE BOSS. Then, in sixth months time when everyone (except the person who suggested it in the first place) has forgotten it, put out a memo demanding that the idea now be on everyone's action-item list. You are now officially a "visionary!"
3/ Only promote people who can't do the job.
You have two candidates: one is efficient, liked and produces results; the other couldn't run a bath, let alone an office... which do you promote? Answer = the dipshit. It's simple, really -- if you promote the moron, you have less chance of getting sacked yourself. After all, when the board of directors notice how badly your division is doing, they're also going to notice that the one guy in the position to take over from you would actually make things worse!
4/ Ignore your staff.
If they have problems, tell them that they have to sort it out themselves, you're a very busy man, etc. etc. Then, when everything goes tits up, you can claim that you had nothing to do with it and avoid the backlash!
5/ Only pay attention to the little details.
Ignore the big problems -- you haven't got the time or the talent to add anything constructive to the process, so pretend that they're not there and hopefully they'll go away. However, this may lead to a certain feeling of inadequecy. To deal with this, reprimand your staff for anything wrong that they do; the pettier the better. Not only does this vent your own frustrations, but it should inspire them to work that much harder to get back into your favour!
6/ Don't follow your own rules.
Just because you spout the party line, it doesn't mean that you have to follow it yourself. If you feel like showing up an hour late every morning then do so -- you're management now, so you deserve to. However, if (on the odd occasion that you come in on time) you spot a member of staff coming in at 9.02 instead of 9.00, make sure that they are fully aware of when office hours begin and demand that they stay late to make up for it. They'll thank you for it in the long run!
7/ Write lots of memos.
Memos are as good as meetings for making you look like you're hard at work, although you won't get the same illusion of companionship. The best memos are usually 3 to 4 pages long, ramble on in length about a company procedure that everyone is aware of and follows, but appears to be so badly written that everyone who reads it is left wondering if they really were doing the right thing. Award yourself a pat on the back if you can finish it with a vague warning of disciplinary action against anyone who does not conform to the process they're already conforming to. Remember: keep 'em on their toes!
8/ Delegate responsibility.
This doesn't mean that you have to let people be creative (or, as we like to call it, "proactive"). This means that when anything goes wrong, blame the closest person at hand. It doesn't matter if they were responsible for the mistake, or had anything to do with the project in the first place -- in fact, it's better if they're not as they won't have any means of defending themselves when they get called in to explain their actions. Then all you have to do is sit back, tut loudly, and repeat this phrase: "I was kept out of the loop on this one...!"
9/ Suck the joy out of work.
A happy team is an unproductive team. If they're smiling and talking then they're either not doing their work or, worse, they're plotting against you. Prevent this from happening by demanding posters get torn down, that paperwork is done to an anally-retentive level and banning dress-down days on the grounds that they are "unproffessional." So what if everyone starts taking sick-days or has to get pissed at lunch to be able to face coming back to the office? You've made your point and shown who's boss!
10/ Don't worry about being paranoid.
After all, you can't be paranoid if everyone really does hate you!
