You've made your CV perfect. On paper you are, without doubt, the best man (or woman) for the job. But there's one final stumbling block between you and the chance to wave bye-bye to your colleagues: the dreaded interview.
Here are some typical questions thrown at interviewees and a selection of answers you could give. Pick which one you're most likely to pick to see how you're likely to fare when Mr Chomdley-Warner calls you in for a friendly chat....
1: WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE YOUR CURRENT JOB?
a) ...because I've outgrown my current role and I'm looking for a carreer progression.
b) ...because I don't want to be there when they find out....
c) ...job? What job?
2: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY HAS BEEN YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT IN YOUR CURRENT POSITION?
a) ...growing business by at least 20% each month for a 6 month period.
b) ...fiddling my expenses so much that I was able to buy a Porsche.
c) ...waking up in time to watch Trisha.
3: WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO BE IN FIVE YEARS TIME?
a) ...in a more managerial position, maybe with a team of my own to train and pass on my wisdom to.
b) ...in court.
c) ...outside Asda, busking.
4: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS COMPANY?
a) ...you're a FTSE 100 company with minimal staff turnover and 40% a year-on-year growth in sales.
b) ...your address. And now the location of your security cameras.
c) ...you're about 5 minutes walk from the nearest pub.
5: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION WHERE YOU WERE AT YOUR MOST PERSUASIVE.
a) ...and by a mixture of pitch and PowerPoint presentation I was able to give him an idea of production capacity rising in response to falling overheads....
b) ...so I bunged him £50 and he lost the file....
c) ...and so I put away the baseball bat and he gave me an eigth on tick....
6: WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?
a) Money.
b) Without motive it's very difficult to prove anything, especially when the evidence is only circumstantial
c) Poontang.
7: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION WHERE YOU CAME TO A COMPROMISE.
a) ...so we came to a point where I reduced the unit cost but he agreed to buy an extra thousand units....
b) ...so I pleaded guilty to a lesser charge and in return they suspended my sentence.
c) ...so she let me go bareback but I had to pull out....
8: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS/ARE YOUR BIGGEST STRENGTH/S?
a) I'm punctual and organised.
b) I can make the books say whatever you want them to say.
c) I can drink my own bodyweight in cider.
9: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS/ARE YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS/ES?
a) I'm a perfectionist and a workaholic.
b) I'm a compulsive liar.
c) I'm allergic to housework.
10: WHY DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THIS COMPANY?
a) I've heard of your plans to expand over the next three years and want to be in a position where I can help to shape the future of a company like yours and reap the benefits that this would offer.
b) The ad didn't say anything about needing a police check to qualify.
c) The bird in reception has a cracking pair of tits....
HOW DID YOU DO?
Mostly A's: Liar.
Mostly B's: They say that honesty is the best policy. Maybe you should be taking lessons from the bloke who answered all A's instead.
Mostly C's: Congratulations! Welcome to our graduate training programme!
Here are some typical questions thrown at interviewees and a selection of answers you could give. Pick which one you're most likely to pick to see how you're likely to fare when Mr Chomdley-Warner calls you in for a friendly chat....
1: WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE YOUR CURRENT JOB?
a) ...because I've outgrown my current role and I'm looking for a carreer progression.
b) ...because I don't want to be there when they find out....
c) ...job? What job?
2: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY HAS BEEN YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT IN YOUR CURRENT POSITION?
a) ...growing business by at least 20% each month for a 6 month period.
b) ...fiddling my expenses so much that I was able to buy a Porsche.
c) ...waking up in time to watch Trisha.
3: WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO BE IN FIVE YEARS TIME?
a) ...in a more managerial position, maybe with a team of my own to train and pass on my wisdom to.
b) ...in court.
c) ...outside Asda, busking.
4: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS COMPANY?
a) ...you're a FTSE 100 company with minimal staff turnover and 40% a year-on-year growth in sales.
b) ...your address. And now the location of your security cameras.
c) ...you're about 5 minutes walk from the nearest pub.
5: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION WHERE YOU WERE AT YOUR MOST PERSUASIVE.
a) ...and by a mixture of pitch and PowerPoint presentation I was able to give him an idea of production capacity rising in response to falling overheads....
b) ...so I bunged him £50 and he lost the file....
c) ...and so I put away the baseball bat and he gave me an eigth on tick....
6: WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?
a) Money.
b) Without motive it's very difficult to prove anything, especially when the evidence is only circumstantial
c) Poontang.
7: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION WHERE YOU CAME TO A COMPROMISE.
a) ...so we came to a point where I reduced the unit cost but he agreed to buy an extra thousand units....
b) ...so I pleaded guilty to a lesser charge and in return they suspended my sentence.
c) ...so she let me go bareback but I had to pull out....
8: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS/ARE YOUR BIGGEST STRENGTH/S?
a) I'm punctual and organised.
b) I can make the books say whatever you want them to say.
c) I can drink my own bodyweight in cider.
9: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS/ARE YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS/ES?
a) I'm a perfectionist and a workaholic.
b) I'm a compulsive liar.
c) I'm allergic to housework.
10: WHY DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THIS COMPANY?
a) I've heard of your plans to expand over the next three years and want to be in a position where I can help to shape the future of a company like yours and reap the benefits that this would offer.
b) The ad didn't say anything about needing a police check to qualify.
c) The bird in reception has a cracking pair of tits....
HOW DID YOU DO?
Mostly A's: Liar.
Mostly B's: They say that honesty is the best policy. Maybe you should be taking lessons from the bloke who answered all A's instead.
Mostly C's: Congratulations! Welcome to our graduate training programme!
