A HORROR MOVIE
We've all been there. We've all driven off to a deserted house in the middle of nowhere for a romantic break away with the girlfriend and a couple of mates, only for some masked psycho with a grudge to come along and hack everyone up like Grandad with the turkey at Christmas.
In order to keep yourself safe, here are some handy do's and don'ts to help you through those difficult times.
1/ DON'T drive off to the middle of nowhere for a romantic break with your girlfriend. What are you, retarded? You really think she's gonna get all hot for you in some cold, damp shithole that's ready to collapse and leap into a bed that hasn't been changed in Christ-know's how long? DO hire a hotel room, you cheap fuck -- at least they have security guards.
2/ DON'T tell a spooky story and then try and scare the girls present. You WILL get stabbed by mistake later on when someone panics, or someone will mistake the killer for you and get killed themselves. Is that what you want? 'cos that's what'll happen....
3/ DON'T wander off into the woods, alone, barely dressed and ask "who's there?" when you hear a noise. If someone is there, do you really want to be letting them know exactly where you are? DO go back to bed or get a couple of your mates to come with you or else you'll end up rotating on a skewer in the local kebab shop.
4/ DON'T try and hide the body if you accidentally kill someone or else their grief stricken family members will try and get revenge. If you absolutely must hide the body, DO check that the fucker is actually dead, and not just concussed or something.
5/ DON'T have sex. Anyone who has sex in a horror film gets killed. Except Neve Campbell in "Scream," but that was all post-modern and ironic. Actually, DO have sex -- some of us like to watch. You know what I'm talking about....
6/ DON'T walk into a dark room with just a torch -- what do you plan on doing, trying to blind any homicidal intruder that you find? DO get a gun, a knife or whatever. Chainsaws are cool, why not see if one of them is lying around?
7/ DON'T walk backwards at anytime, ever. Who do you think you are, Michael Jackson? You're so bad you can Moonwalk your way out of the situation? If so, carry on -- you deserve to die.
8/ If you are a member of a school sports team, DO believe any crazy theories that the resident nerd has to offer. If he says it's bodysnatching aliens, then it is. If it's zombies, ok. If it's vampires, just say "whatever man, how do we kill it?" DON'T say "You're crazy man" and bust out of the room in a stupid and futile gesture of bravado to prove that this is just some punk you can take down. You will die. Painfully.
9/ DON'T go to the police. Not only will they not believe you, chances are they will either lock you away in a loony bin for "evaluation" or decide that you yourself are the prime suspect. Either way, you're going to be in a cell, the killer will slaughter everyone in the hospital/prison and you will be in even deeper shit than before.
10/ DO hide. Do I really need to explain why?
