You know those days where even the minor things in life irritate you? You know, the ones where you feel like smashing the phone to pieces because it's ringing seems to be ever-so-slightly mocking? They suck, don't they? Every muscle in your body is coiled tight, ready to lash out at the first person to smile at you and say "Cheer up! It might never happen!" You daydream about punching them in the face, all the while screaming "IT ALREADY FUCKING HAS!!!" while strangers try to pull you off them. The voices in your head are whispering at you right now, aren't they? They're telling you to do bad things, that the whole world is against you... you can hear them now, can't you? Can't you?
Well, children, fear not. The whole world isn't really against you, just 95 percent of it. And instead of taking your anger out on well-meaning, but misguided, morons, why not save your invective for the people who really deserve it? You know -- people like:
PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE CINEMA BUT CAN'T FOLLOW THE PLOT SO CONTINUALLY ASK QUESTIONS.
I don't go to the cinema with other people anymore -- partly because I have no friends, and partly because I'm always scared that at some point, someone's going to turn to me and ask "What other film have I seen him in?" or, worse, "Why's he doing that?"
The conversation that follows usually goes like this:
"Why's he doing that?"
"Because he just found out that his wife is sleeping with his boss."
"Oh. (pause) How'd he do that?"
"He found a strange watch in the bedroom, and his boss just said that he'd lost his watch."
"Oh. (pause) So how'd he know it was his boss's watch and not some other guy's?"
"The boss just described it to him."
"Oh. (pause) What's happening now?"
"I don't know, I missed the last five minutes because I was explaining all this shit to you...."
VEGETARIANS WHO EAT CHICKEN AND FISH
I don't know about you, but the line "I don't eat meat... except for chicken and fish" makes as much sense as the line "I don't smoke... except for cigarettes and crack."
ALCOPOPS
Alcohol is supposed to taste bad you idiot -- it's the whole pain/pleasure principle in it's most obvious form. You drink a bunch of drinks that taste bad, it makes you feel good. But no, some fucking genius decides that the best way forward is to take the pain away, so creates a bunch of drinks that taste like those icepoles you buy from the newsagent at 10p a go during the summer. The result? Every single mincer who can't handle his or her liquor goes on a major bender and clogs up pretty much every decent bar I've been to.
Karma could not be cheated though; these lagged up little pubeless wonders manage to cane their way through 15 Bacardi Breezers before the pub kicks out and end up fighting in the carpark. Hence the pain part of the equasion is restored once the drinker has woken up in A&E and the alcohol has worn off.
OLD PEOPLE WHO ENDLESSLY COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW THINGS WERE BETTER "BACK IN THE OLD TIMES"
Yeah, cos there was a lot less violence around back in the war, wasn't there? Apart from trench warfare, gas shells, Doodlebugs, the Blitz and the possibility of being executed for cowardice, everything was much safer than it is nowadays. Other great things from the past that are now sadly missed include child slavery, Jack the Ripper, dying from smallpox and hanging little old ladies on suspicion of witchcraft.
Meanwhile, I keep myself entertained with my DVD collection and Internet porn, while our ancestors had to make do with a couple of conkers and their imaginary friends. Mind you, I've got some imaginary friends myself. Actually, they're real people, I just like to imagine that they're my friends.
FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN THAT THEY'RE FAMOUS
Ah, poor diddums. People keep asking you for your autograph, a million different teenagers beat themselves off at night dreaming about you, all of your friends have second homes in LA and a third in the South of France, you get invited to a different party or movie premiere every night and you just can't seem to find any privacy. Fine, just don't whine about it in a three page interview in "Heat" magazine. Tell you what, if you really want to go back to being poor and unknown, why don't you give all your cash to me? No? Thought not. Plan B then -- shut the fuck up and get on with it, you self-pitying little shit.
PEOPLE WITH HOLIDAY SNAPS
Yes, I'm sure your holiday was the best you ever had. No, I don't want to see the pictures you took of you and your mates trying so desperately to recapture the youth you left waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind by getting as drunk as an Irishman on St Patrick's day and trying to shag the nearest waiter/club rep/fifteen-year-old pretending to be at Uni/donkey (delete as applicable for gender or inclination). Likewise, I really don't want you walking up to me three weeks after you've come back and pulling up your t-shirt to show me just how badly you are peeling, nor do I want to hear about how you came out of a club, threw up and the puddle of sick looked like the Shroud of Turin.
VEGETARIANS WHO WEAR LEATHER OR SUEDE
I once asked a vegetarian why he wore leather shoes. He told me (with a completely straight face) that since cows were killed to produce meat, the skin was just a left-over and that it would be a sin to waste it by not making shoes. Or jackets. Or belts. Or wallets. Or handbags. Or whatever. I then told him (with an equally straight face) that I thought that cows were killed to make shoes, jackets, belts and so on and that my cheeseburger was just a tasty by-product. Funnily enough, we never spoke to each other again after that.
POP AND ROCK STARS WHO SPEAK OUT AGAINST DRUGS
First things first, I'm not pro-drugs. I don't do 'em, I don't need 'em and, more importantly, I can't afford 'em. However, I do take exception to famous people thinking that it's any of their business whether-or-not I choose to do them. Firstly, because I resent the fact that Westlife or whoever represent my lifestyle choices in any shape or form. Secondly, because I immediately suspect that whoever says such a thing is a hypocrite and was probably snorting coke from a supermodel's bellybutton roughly 10 seconds after the cameras stopped rolling and, thirdly, because it's such a waste. I mean, come on -- you're young, rich and famous; it's practically a perk of the job. YES! Do drugs! YES! Get drunk and trash hotel rooms! YES! Shag a different groupie every night! After all, if you don't, pretty soon the gossip columns will just be filled with stories about which celebrity is getting which carpet for their mansion and "The News Of The World" would consist of a sheet of A4 folded in half. Okay, popstars I can understand to some extent -- they are supposed to be role models and all that, but rockstars? Hang your heads in shame... didn't the Rolling Stones teach you ANYTHING?
PEOPLE WHO SMOKE LOW TAR/LOW NICOTINE CIGARETTES
You're not getting a nicotine hit, you're not getting that decent toke that tar gives you, all you're doing is poncing around pretending to be cool. Smoke some real cigarettes and develop a proper cough or just fuck off and stop wasting my time. And as for smoking Silk Cut Ultras -- Jesus Christ, you might as well be smoking fresh air.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THE JOKE, THEN LATER TRY TO TELL THAT JOKE TO SOMEONE ELSE BUT GET IT COMPLETELY WRONG.
Do I really need to explain this one?
