COME TOGETHER!
Following the apathetic turnouts at the recent local elections, and the predicted number of voters not bothering at the next General Election, it is obvious that British politics no longer meets the needs of a modern United Kingdom. Well, now it does -- ladies and gentlemen, FASHIONABLE MALE is proud to announce the birth of a new era, a new hope and a new party - The People Who Hate People party. With the Great British public behind us, our party will change the lives of a nation and, hopefully, make the world a better place.
Here is our manifesto.
BAN ALL KIDS FROM PUBS AND BARS.
You don't see kids running around in betting shops and porn stores and for good reason - they're not suitable places for kids. Then why they should be subjected to a room full of second hand smoke, swearing, and the occasional beer-fuelled fight is beyond me. Not only that, but I hate having my quiet Saturday afternoon pint ruined by some squalling brat screaming their lungs off because they're bored and their parents were too tight to organise a babysitter.
INTRODUCE A THREE DAY WORKING WEEK.
A quarter of my salary is effectively swallowed up by tax and National Insurance, while 17.5 percent of everything else I have goes on VAT. This means that I only get to keep 60 percent of everything I earn, the rest going to pensioners and doleys. Fine, if they want that money they can work for it and do 40 percent of my job for me. Seems only fair.
LEGALISE MARIJUANA.
As a cash crop, exports of dope would effectively wipe out our world trade deficit. Closer to home, it would be a bring more jobs to the fast food industries, 24 garages and various snack manufacturers. Soft drink manufacturers will also receive a boost from larger numbers of people buying their products to make home-made bongs.
PUBS TO BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.
Do I really need to explain why?
FREE HOOKERS ON THE NHS.
A happy nation is a healthy, productive nation. This is why, every six months, all citizens over 18 will be provided with a voucher entitling them to a free hour at their local NHS brothel, with all genders and inclinations provided for. We believe that this will also help us recruit more male nurses.
INCOME TAX RELIEF FOR SMOKERS AND DRINKERS.
While it is true that smoking and drinking do contribute to health problems, we believe that they have already paid for their NHS service through the heavy taxation put on fags and beer. However, since smokers and drinkers are unlikely to reach retirement age, they are helping the nation as they don't require pensions, home-helpers, social workers or hip-replacement therapy. This selfless sacrifice for the good of the nation should be rewarded with tax cuts. (NOTE: anyone who describes themselves as a "social smoker," or smokes Silk Cut or Marlboro Lights is not qualified to apply for these concessions.)
MOUNT RUSHMORE STYLE MONUMENT TO BE CARVED INTO THE WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER, FEATURING THE FACES OF STEVE COPPELL, SVEN GORAN ERIKSON, DAVID BECKHAM AND ALAN SHEARER.
What better way to welcome English travellers home from the continent than to greet them with the smiling faces of our national heroes and Steve Coppell. (Coppell gets included because I like him and as I'm in charge, I get to choose.)
ALL KIDS TO BE IN BED BY 7PM
This is so that we can:
BRING THE TV WATERSHED FORWARD BY TWO HOURS.
I'm sick of having to wait until 9pm before anything vaguely interesting comes on TV, so from now on I won't. Speaking of good stuff coming on TV, hardcore porn will now be allowed to be aired after 10pm. Oh, fuck it, make it 9.
FIVE YEARS IMPRISONMENT AND/OR £10,000 FOR ANYONE SPEAKING TOO LOUD ON A MOBILE PHONE IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
Because they fucking annoy me. Out in the street is ok, but on a train or in a pub is not. Persistent offenders will be stoned to death in public centres on the first Saturday of each month (afternoons only, cos I like my lie-ins at the weekend).
INTRODUCTION OF A NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM
It is time for Britain to drag itself into the 21st Century, and so we will be replacing "God Save The Queen" with "Three Lions" by Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds. The '96 version, mind, 'cos the updated version was a little bit wank.
LAST NIGHT OF THE PROMS TO BE ALTERED SLIGHTLY.
Instead of being held at the Albert Hall, it will now be an open air event at Donnington Park. Instead of being called "The Last Night Of The Proms," it will now be known as "Monsters Of Rock." Oh, and instead of classical music and orchestras and stuff, it will feature The Wildhearts, The Almighty, Iron Maiden and Ozzy Osbourne.
TIMOTHY DALTON TO BE MADE DIRECTOR-GENERAL OF MI5
This is simply because I firmly believe that he was the best James Bond. I might be wrong, but as I'm in charge who cares?
THE TWEENIES TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.
Also to be punished are: The Stereophonics, The Telly-Tubbies, Coldplay, Westlife and Chris Tarrent.
