Alcohol can make you do funny things... if, by "funny," you mean "fucking stupid." As well as the usual catalogue of regretful one-night stands, memory loss and insatiable cravings for kebabs bought from dodgy vans on the way home, there is always the risk that your Big Night Out will end in the kind of disaster that made-for-TV movies thrive on. In the 9 years that I have been a drinker, I've known a lot of drunks. Knowing a lot of drunks, I know a lot of stories. If you have any, please feel free to email me and let me know. If you don't, just read this piece and remember it the next time you go out on the lash and think yourself lucky. These are just a selection of some of the stories I know -- keep your eyes peeled for more when and if I can be bothered to put them up. Cheers.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Mr A. was returning from a party when he fell into the River Trent. He managed to pull himself out, lost his balance and promptly fell back in. He faired better than Mr B. though -- a year after A's midnight swim, B decided that it would be a good idea to jump into the River. Unfortunately, he decided to do so from the Trent Bridge. Even more unfortunately, he landed on a bunch of jagged rocks and cut his arse so badly that he needed a load of stitches.

Mr C. was woken up by the sound of traffic the night after an all day session. Thinking he'd left the bedroom window open, he got up to shut it... only to find that he wasn't in his bedroom after all, but had actually spent the night asleep on a traffic island.

Mr D was barefoot and playing football in his living room when he trod on a mug, resulting in an ambulance being called, a number of stitches to the foot and two weeks on crutches.

Mr E couldn't find his keys and was desperate to go to bed, so kicked the door off of its hinges... only to suddenly remember that he had given his keys to his housemate for safe keeping.

Mr F slipped on a glass at a nightclub and fell down a flight of stairs, fracturing his arm in the process. A year later, he fractured the same arm again after tripping over while leaving the same club.

Mr G woke up in the back of a police car after a lethal mix of painkillers and Mad Dog 20/20 had made him collapse in the middle of an A-road where he was spotted by a passing patrol car. Not being able to find any vital signs, the officers promptly called in the paramedics who announced him "pissed at the scene." The police then gave Mr G a lift home, where he got out of the car with a cheerful "Cheers, cabby!" and threw up all over his own doorstep.

Mr H was busy having a piss in a shop doorway on his way home from a night on the tiles, and failed to notice the riot van pull up behind him. £30 fine, plus £30 costs.

Mr I fell asleep in the toilets during his company's Christmas party and didn't wake up until 3 the next morning. Finding himself alone in a deserted building, he tried to break-out and was promptly arrested by police who had been called by the burglar alarm he had set off.

Mr J fractured his toe after running into a door. Two weeks later, he then cracked a rib when a stage dive went wrong.