One of the best things about living in Swanley is that it is far better than living in Dartford. Having spent 7 years going to school there, and the last 8 years trying to avoid having anything to do with the town at all, my appreciation for Dartford has not exactly diminished over the years. But what, exactly, is Dartford and how can it make even someone who lives in Swanley swell with an absurd sense of civic pride? For those answers, we'll have to trawl through the top 10 aspects of Dartford's history.
1/ Skull fragments found on the outskirts of Dartford in the 1920s and 1950s belong to one of the earliest examples of human remains ever found in Europe. Dubbed "The Swanscombe Skull," this primitive version of early man is over 300, 000 years old and could regularly be found at The Library at Zens. More nomadic members of the tribe could also be found at Déjà vu in Swanley on a Thursday night, although the popular loincloth look would often be turned away by bouncers enforcing a strict shoes-and-shirt policy.
2/ Dartford was named "Tarentford" in the Doomesday Book of 1086, which would suggest that modern media mogul Chris Tarrent stems from a lineage that had past roots in Dartford. Further evidence to support these claims include the fact that, like many of Dartford's modern residents, Tarrent has so far only managed to achieve anything in life through luck despite his apparent lack of talent for anything other than being an annoying wanker.
3/ King Henry VIII had a royal manor house at Dartford. This may, or may not, have been the reason that so many of his wives ended up getting beheaded -- the man had to vent his anger somehow.
4/ Rising poverty in the 18th century led to such an increase in crime that a small type of prison named a "Bridewell" was built. Two and a half centuries later, Dartford became home to a ropey nightclub called Bridewells which followed in its predecessor's footsteps by (a) being the kind of place no one went to by choice and (b) serving its "inmates" badly-cooked chicken in a basket.
5/ Following the success of the nearby Brands Hatch race course, Dartford introduced a one way system as a prototype race course of its own. Including such features as a hairpin turn (outside Macdonalds) and a set of bus stops that look like pitlanes, the one way was originally meant to convince Dartford residents that racing could be fun and that Dartford should have a track of its own. Plans were finally abandoned when it became clear that the "track" was only popular with young men, driving cars with blacked out windows at 5 mph in endless circles, desperately trying to impress 14 year old girls by playing their stereos so loud that the bass measured on the Richter scale.
6/ The first Dartford Tunnel was completed in 1963 and was originally built so that boyracers bored of touring their cars around the one way system could easily get to Southend to show off their wheels. Unfortunately, the length of time and cost of the project meant that town councillors were unwilling to follow through with their original plans of immediately demolishing the tunnel and leaving the fuckers stranded in Essex.
7/ Dartford likes to lay claim to having its own football club (the imaginatively titled Dartford Football Club), despite the fact that the team can barely play football and their home ground isn't in Dartford.
8/ Dartford provides the backdrop for the "funeral" section of the hit film. "Four Weddings And A Funeral." No mention has so far been made of why the coffin of the poshest of Hugh Grant's mates in the film should be carried out of a council house in Dartford, other than the vague notion that compared to some of the other inhabitants of the town, a gay man on a council estate could realistically be considered upper class.
9/ Dartford is the home of a company that specialises in state-of-the-art electronics and entertainment solutions, including providing many of the realistic animotronics that can be seen in London's Madam Tussards and Rock Circus. Ironically, even this company's talents can not stretch so far as to give Dartford's town centre the illusion of life or activity.
10/ Mick Jagger, bad actor, frontman of The Rolling Stones, and originally from Dartford, is often cited as a shining example of how well the young people of Dartford could do themselves. Since Jagger has a history of substance abuse, is father to a number of illegitimate children, and was subjected to police raids during the sixties, it is generally agreed that he is, indeed, a symbol of what Dartford's kids can realistically expect from their lives. Except for the fame, fortune and good-looking women, obviously.
